Friday, April 10, 2015

Top Ten Things to Avoid at a Cancun Resort

10. The time share pitchers promising a 'free' bottle of tequila for a little of your time. The tequila is  
       distilled pool water.

9. The hotel gift shop. $35USD for sunscreen; also made of pool water

8. Trying to light on fire a giant thatched roof building at 3am when you are totally wasted. Just 
     because you are a privileged little American spring breaker and your mommy and daddy paid for
     your trip and your girlfriends tits doesn't give you the right to burn down the place. Party Foul!

7. Going out too far in the ocean. Excessive alcohol, strong undertow, and very lazy Mexican  
    lifeguards make for a deadly combination.

6. Losing the towels from your room at the pool or beach. Another $50 extortion tactic employed by
    the hotel.

5. Having expectations of consistent service at the resort. Staff ranges from friendly to felonious:  
    Prepare for extortion with a smile...
   
4. The shallow end of the mile long pool. Seems to be the highest concentration of pool scum. Not  
     normal pool scum here, this is post spring break pool pollution, , 33% urine, 15% butt urine  
    (liquid buffet poop), 14% alcohol (spilled drinks are the replacement for real chlorine), 12% skin
     flakes and scabs, 9% toe nails,  8% sun-curdled semen, and the rest is too gross to even mention

3. The main buffet. Bill and Wendy from told me that on day 2. Same formula as pool scum

2. Montezuma. I don't know what this Demi-god of Demi-formed shit has against us tourists, but he  
    is hell bent on revenge and he will hunt you until he has gotten it. Brushing your teeth with tap
    water is almost second nature; Montezuma knows this weakness and he lurks in every tap waiting
    calmly, and like I said: He will get you!

1. Sobriety
 

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